Apartment Eighty Six
by WhyNotJane
Summary: Skye turned to Ward, "That was Agent Lewis? So not what I was expecting," Skye shook her head. "Which was what?" "Middle aged, a bit overweight, grumpy, and-" Skye gestured to the grey walls and suits- "matching." Ward discovers something about Coulson's private life he would rather have remained a secret.


This work is cross posted on Ao3 where it got good feedback. I hope you enjoy it too!

All characters belong to Marvel, but the writing is mine.

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><p>"I can't believe Coulson gave us a holiday!" Skye grinned from her place on top of the lab bench.<p>

"Gave you one, maybe. I'm spending mine babysitting you." Ward was dressed casually in a leather jacket and jeans, yet he still managed to keep the government agent air about him. A change in colour scheme would do him much good.

"Simmons and I can work on the baldy gun!" Fitz completely ignored Ward's whining, hugging his duffle bag to his chest.

"It's an electro-" Simmons rolled her eyes, "Like a taser. We're working on fixing the balding part."

"What's the bet the name sticks?" Skye nudging Ward, who ignored her.

"Oh, Fitz! I heard Dr Foster, the astrophysicist, is in New York! Do you think we'd be able to meet her?" Simmons heaved her luggage bag over her shoulder.

"Not for another day at least." Nobody noticed when Agent May had entered the lab.

"HQ called. Being on a secret team tracking down super-humans does not exempt us from paperwork," she said. Skye stared quizzically at her. For someone talking about filing and forms, she seemed almost… smug.

"But you only fill out paperwork straight after a mission," Ward paled. Skye found it interesting that 'paper work' sent fear into Ward's mind like a small army with a lot more guns could not.

"She hasn't filled out some forms apparently," May jerked her head at Skye, "And the agent in charge of our paper work said some reports and forms needed to be filled out and handed in."

It was odd how the one thing that united all of their opinions, was paperwork.

"Who is the agent in charge of the paperwork?" Ward asked.

"Lewis." He paled.

"She said to tell you she hasn't forgiven you," May turned to FitzSimmons, "She's also Dr Foster's assistant. Maybe if you're nice she'll introduce you." At which Fitz and Simmons brightened considerably, leading the way down the Bus' ramp to the small bus.

"What hasn't she forgiven you for?" Skye was curled up in her seat, eyes twinkling.

"Classified," Ward grunted, dumping the bag underneath his seat before strapping himself in.

"She was working out at the gym, and he said she looked to large to be a SHIELD agent. Apparently he gestured to her breasts."

Ward glared at the back of May's head, and caught her smirk in the rear view mirror.

"You told her her boobs were to big for her to be an agent?" Skye snorted, and Ward could see Simmons mirroring her actions out of the corner of his eye.

Fitz, on the other hand, seemed impressed at the extent of Ward's lack of people skills. He shook his head in amazement, "Even I know not to say that."

"I was not gesturing to her breasts," Ward crossed his arms.

"Right. Why am I not surprised?" Skye snapped.

"I wasn't! I was gesturing to her stomach."

"So now you're calling her fat?"

"No! I- I thought she was... Pregnant."

There was a pause, before the silence turned into laughter.

"That's even worse!" Simmons managed to gasp out.

"It's not funny! I thought she was going to seriously hurt the baby, the way she was punching that bag."

"Did she seriously hurt you when she tasered you?" May asked a little too blandly.

The seat belt strap was now digging into Skye's shoulder as she rolled around in laughter.

Ward just scowled.

* * *

><p>Grey walls. Uncomfortable chairs. Plastic pot plants. Same geometric carpet you find in almost every bank in the world.<p>

Except it wasn't a bank. Though someone should definitely tell that to the men and women in grey business suits sitting at desks on their computers, ignoring everyone else in the room. Skye eyed the suffocating grey closing in from every direction, scowling slightly.

One woman stood out from the drab. She wore a flowing silky scarlet top with high waisted black pants and as she walked towards their little group, her heels, probably higher than regulation allowed, were a matching fire-engine red.

It had not escaped anyone's notice that her arms were full of a stack of paper.

"Agent Coulson's team," she said, sizing them up, her deep red lips turning upwards into a mischievous grin, "and Grant Ward."

Though his face gave nothing away, Skye saw the hand wresting on his belt twitch slightly.

"Agents Fitz and Simmons, we need you to fill in some forms on the technologies you have developed and discovered," she took pile of paper from her stack, handing it over to the resigned looking pair.

"Skye, isn't it? Just some of the newby paper work - next of kin, so we know who to hand your stuff to if you die, that kind of thing. Not that that's likely, or anything," she was quick to add.

"And, of course, Grant Ward. We just need you to fill in a couple of bits and bobs, but being a seasoned SHEILD agent, I'm sure you'll be fine," and with an adorable smile, she handed Ward the largest stack of paper, which fell to his chest with a thud.

"It's all due in three days. Oh, and Skye? Do you have a place to stay?" Agent Lewis asked.

"I'm staying with Ward. He has to keep an eye on 'cause, you know," she held up her wrist so that the silver bracelet shone.

"We all are, actually. The three of us. Fitz and I don't have homes in New York," Simmons admitted.

"If you want to have your own pad, just give me a call and I can arrange it," Agent Lewis said sincerely, "And did you know all employees whose specialty isn't the field are allowed to carry a taser?" she winked, starting to turning away.

"What about May and Coulson, or can they slack being senior agents? I haven't seen Coulson all day," Skye said.

"All of Agents May and Coulson's forms have already been filled in," she said with a shrug, "You might want to think about getting started on your own. You have a lot of work ahead of you- especially you, Grant," And she sashayed off, merging into the monotonous grey.

Skye turned to Ward, "That was Agent Lewis?"

"Wow," Fitz agreed, craning his neck to catch a flash of red.

"Fitz!" hissed Simmons, elbowing him.

Ward rolled his eyes, walking back out of the not-bank to the Short Bus, which he was borrowing for the holidays.

"So not what I was expecting," Skye shook her head, following after him.

"Which was what?" Ward grumbled, trying to flick through the pile of paper without dropping it.

"Middle aged, a bit overweight, grumpy, and-" Skye gestured to the grey walls and suits- "matching."

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><p>Fitz, Simmons, Skye and Ward were all gathered around the kitchen table in Ward's apartment, each person sitting in front of a mound of paper, equipped with a pen.<p>

Skye twirled her pen on her fingers, staring off into the distance, "I wonder what Coulson does with his day off?" she interrupted the tired silence.

"I heard he hasn't had a day off in over twenty years," Fitz stretched his hands above his head.

"We were also told he was a robot, and didn't need any sleep," Simmons shrugged, "so I doubt there is any substance to that particular rumour."

"He probably spends the time on Lola," Ward tossed his two cents in.

"Mm, the poor man does strike me as the type of fellow who always needs to be working on something," Simmons agreed, shaking out her sore hand.

"Nah, someone like Coulson probably has a really secret private life," Skye disagreed.

"Agents like Coulson don't have private lives," Ward said, "It's just SHEILD. There's no room for anything else." If he sounded slightly wistful when he said that, his team mates ignored it.

"See," Skye waved her pen in the air, "someone like Coulson would have you all believing that, hiding his life from people he sees pretty much every day."

"No way. He's over forty, balding, likes old stuff, and wears nothing but suits. Who'd want to date him?" Fitz sniggered.

"Hey, suits can be hot," Skye disagreed.

"Very," Simmons smiled, eyes flickering to Ward and raising her eyebrow at Skye.

Ward put his head in his hands, rubbing his eyelids, "I swear, half these forms shouldn't exist."

Skye snatched the top one off his pile.

"Form FI-83? 'Allowing humans and or living organisms of near human intellect or above, who have yet to go through a SHIELD standard security check, onto SHIELD crafts?' Who the heck is this for?"

"One is for you, and the other for Comandante Reyes and men."

"Shouldn't Coulson be filling those out?" Simmons asked.

"Yeah, maybe Lewis is sweet on him."

"Or she just really hates your guts," Fitz offered, smirking.

Skye bit her cheeks to keep from smiling, "I think I might almost be feeling sorry for you."

Ward dove for his pocket as the air was filled with the shrieks of his SHEILD phone.

"Agent Ward," He listened intently, back in full suit mode, poker faced and back straight.

"We'll meet you there," He hung up, grabbing his bag.

"That was May. Our holiday is being cut short- emergency mission to Canada."

"Thank god I didn't unpack," Skye muttered, swinging her bag over her shoulder, "We meeting everyone back at the bus?"

"First, we need to swing by Coulson's apartment. He hasn't been picking up his phone."

Everyone paused.

"That's quite unlike him," Simmons said, glancing at everyone's faces, the connotations of Coulson not picking up his phone sinking in.

* * *

><p>They arrived at a very average apartment block. Skye supposed it was the building equivalent of the accountant-like agents at SHEILD.<p>

Coulson's apartment door read 86. Skye sniggered.

Ward closed his eyes, grinding his teeth, "What now?"

"Eighty six. Get it?" Skye rolled her eyes at the blank faces, "Honestly, you're a group of government agents, and you haven't even seen Get Smart? That's sad."

Skye reached past Ward and rapped on the door.

"AC, it's us!" she yelled.

When the door opened half a minute later, it wasn't Coulson.

It was a woman, a bit older than Skye, wearing glasses and a knitted jumper, with fuzzy boots, looking very much like she had just arrived home and was secretly giving the finger to her work clothes.

Ward was too busy being shocked to make his mouth work. However, it didn't take long until it was in overdrive.

"Uh, I had no idea another SHIELD agent lived in the building, Agent Lewis. We're looking for Agent Coulson. We must have given the wrong address. Right?" Ward looked down at Agent Lewis, eyes begging her to tell him Coulson lived on the next floor up.

Lewis just gave him a pitying look, eyes twinkling, and stepped aside to reveal the person hovering around the corner.

It was really weird seeing Coulson in civvies.

"Mission came weren't answering your phone," Simmons offered, filling the silence.

"He just got on holiday," Lewis snapped.

Coulson sighed, "Darce, you know how work is. I'll get my bag," he pecked her on the cheek.

Agent Lewis sighed, and after a minute of awkward silence, gestured extravagantly for them to move inside, "Well, are you going to come in, or stand in the hallway looking like codfish?"

The apartment was not bland, like Skye thought it would be. The couches were a comforting brown, book cases lining one wall, the other filled with posters of vintage movies and comic book characters, in which Captain America featured prominently.

"So you're Coulson's... thing?" Ward asked hesitantly.

She eyed him up and down, "Yeah, I'm Phil's 'thing'. Though I do prefer the term 'partner' or 'wife'.

Ward went pale. Skye could see him thinking, _Oh god, they're_ married?

"So sorry about him, he isn't terribly good with people," Simmons apologised.

"He's our very own porcupine," Skye smiled sweetly.

"You're the Rising Tide hacker, aren't you?" Agent Lewis turned her gaze on Skye, who had the terrifying experience of finding out why Ward was so scared of this woman in a fuzzy jumper.

"Used to be. Left after a coworker gave out dangerous information," Skye managed to sound almost calm.

"Put my husband in danger again, and I will tase your ass into next week. Then I will fill out all the forms for volunteering for science experiments performed on the human body for you and gift you to the science department. Okay?" Agent Lewis copied her sweet smile.

Skye nodded quickly, "Okay. Yep, got it."

"Great!" Agent Lewis smiled sweetly.

Coulson had transformed back into the secret agent man they all new.

"I should be back in a couple of days, okay Darce? Please don't flood Fury's mail with crap again."

"Why not? He can't fire me. And his reaction to the manure samples from Poos Ain't Poos was hilarious."

"He gets grumpy- more so than normal," He added at Darcy's raised eyebrow, "and then I have to deal with him."

"Fine, but that prank was gold," she tugged him into her, tapping his nose sternly, "Never doubt the Weasley twins," she drew him into a very deep kiss, before pushing him out the door.

"Stay safe, Agent," she said.

Coulson gave her a soft smile, before turning and leading the crew down to the bus.

Ward turned to her, taking a deep breath, "I just wanted to apologise. About the incident in the training rooms."

"I suppose I can't hate you due to your limited people skills," Lewis allowed graciously.

Ward was turning to go, but one thing kept niggling away in his brain.

"Does Coulson know? About what I said."

"Agent Ward, if you are suggesting my husband would use our argument to hold a grudge, well," Her smile was like a rose, beautiful and perfumed, but edged with sharp thorns, "He isn't in the habit of stabbing truth serum into the arms of people he's happy with."

Ward nodded faintly, the '86' on the door nearly whacking him in the nose.

"So it was a truth serum, you liar!" Skye hissed.

Ward gave an uncomfortable shrug, "Your point?"

"Oh, I forgot to ask Agent Lewis if we could meet Dr Foster!" Simmons wailed, Ward using the distraction to race down the stairs back to the bus.

"When we get back, I'll ask Darcy myself," Coulson assured her, before throwing a wink back at Skye, who raised her eyebrow in question.

When he ignored her, she asked, "Eighty six, huh?"

Coulson just smiled.

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><p>AN: Darcy's reference to 'codfish' is from Mary Poppins, 'cause I thought with her babysitting duties and clever nature it would be funny. Or not, that's fine too. Weasley twins 'manure' prank on Percy, because Fred and George are never not funny, and HP references are beautiful, and of course 'porcupine' was reference to the pilot episode of AoS.<br>Get Smart - 86  
>And yes, "Poos Ain't Poos' is indeed a mulch and manure company in Australia, I didn't come up with that name, and I certainly don't own it.<p>

**_Please review. A second of your time makes my day._**


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